Kill me now

I hate using this blog for venting out all my personal problems but it’s my only way to get it off my mind...or at least alleviate most of my anxiety. I'm torn up. Between fighting with my parents...my mom mostly and having the stress of quitting a job and starting a whole new one within the same few days.....and my car breaking down....and the fact I have no friends...none that I can lean on for anything anyway....plus the part where I fight with my boyfriend and have been just sooo stressed.....I don't know what to do. My dad looks down on me, because of my attitude with my mom, and they both are being extremely judgmental of Tell. I feel like screaming my lungs out every night and crying so hard that I wonder what the hell my problem is....but I keep holding both of those back because I just keep getting angrier and angrier....snapping at all the stupidest things and taking it all out on myself. My self-esteem has plummeted (wasn't that high anyways...) and my confidence level has evaporated into ignorant self-hate. The more I think about it the sadder I begin to feel because I don’t really know what’s wrong. I have a lot of theories, however.
I think I need more me and friend time instead of work and Tell time. I need to leave my parents because it seems to me that they just won’t let go of me…they still try and play the mommy and daddy card and quite honestly it is driving me insane. They try to tell me when I should be home…and get mad when I leave the house. I mean, before it was “you should go out more…don’t you have friends to hang out with??” and when I just worked all the time they’d go out and make plans without me in the agenda. I was never invited…all plans were made when they knew I had to work. That hurt me dearly, knowing my parents didn’t want much to do with me other than boss me around and send me to work. But then I moved out for a while. Things changed almost instantly, mom wanted to spend more time with me but I was too busy. Not to mention, I had thoroughly accepted that my parents didn’t want much to do with me…and the fact that they both don’t know anything about me. I’d been sheltered most of my life, and once I moved out I had room to breathe for once. I was discovering myself. Then I had to move back…a decision I sorely regret. I know I wouldn’t like moving back in, but I did anyway knowing that it was better than the hell my roommate was putting me through. Now they’re trying to control me again…trying to bottle me back up and while doing so also trying to attempt to understand my sudden itch to get out of the house.
They make me feel like a bad kid and then wonder why I get so angry at them…and wonder why I think so lowly of myself. Guilt racks my veins because anything I try to say to my parents that touches how I feel gets slapped in my face with a guilt trip. I hate it. I just want to disappear. I feel so misunderstood. I feel so angry.
My phone has been acting weird lately. That makes matters worse when you’re trying to find a ride home and your phone is acting wacky. I’m so stressed that when something happened to my car I started balling like a little baby. And I was actually having a good day that day too. Things were looking up and then BAM!! My car stops working.
All those bottled up emotions from everything else just poured out and got worse as the time progressed. I’m still so sad.
So let me sum it up for you;
My car doesn’t work…and I live out in nowhere-ville, have a new job that I need transportation too…considering its all the way across town and beyond. My phone’s acting weird. I’m fighting with my parents on a constant basis. My dad looks down on me. I have no one to call and cry too without being judged or shunned. My boyfriend and I are fighting most days. My old job is spreading rumors about me (I know this because I’ve been told by some work friends). I’m just flat out unhappy…I have no money, my bank account is dry, I have to pay my parents back so much money for fixing my car…and now even more cuz it broke down again. (money I don’t have) I need to save for my insurance coming in February…and I don’t have enough money to even consider trying to save since I have to buy all this other stuff. PLUS not to mention, Christmas is three weeks away and I have nothing to buy anybody any thing….and my parents are probably using all their money to get my car up and working….gawd….there isn’t enough words I could type to express how effin shitty I feel.

Roommates are a handful....

I'm not sure what to do really, other than give up the fight and run home to mommy and daddy. My roommates stepped up the fight and decided to out my boyfriend, Tell, and leave a stupidly written note about how he needs to pay rent. The thing is, he doesn't live with us at the apartment. He's just here when I'm here, which is nothing of which I'm complaining about. I like having him around. So he left her a note with equal the volume but zero the stupidity. I just think Roxi is really really immature...dense...and stupid. I mean, ouch, I know....I'm being kinda rude and calling her these things but trust me, if you ever met her in person, you'd see how easily she'd lie to you and 'pretend' to be something she's not.
I mean seriously, she runs around in her bra at the apartment, and half the time I'm lucky if she's wearing one!!! She pretty much forced her boyfriend to move in (WITHOUT MY PERMISSION) and was going to let him stay Rent free for a while. But I threw a fit and told them 'no'. he has to pay his part of rent. We each pay 1/3 rent since there is three of us. but in all honesty I shouldn't even be paying as much as I do, BECAUSE they have the privacy of their own bedroom, I have about the privacy of NOTHING, I sleep inthe living room.
I know, a lot of people keep telling me to move out, find another place, yada yada yada, but its WAY harder than that. My parents are like, "You can move back in, rent free and have a place to eat and stuff...why not? Its better than spending all that money."
Speaking of money
Now that rent is due, her boyfriend is saying he won't make the deadline and so they're using their five day grace period. BUT the thing is, he would have his money ready if those two weren't spending money off the wall on the stupidest things. Like lots of movies, not just 3 or 4 but 7 or 8. Candy, junk food, CLOTHES, expensive Cologne, and jewelry. Its irritation.
I just want to leave, but I don't want to go back home.

Well I'm getting pissed off even writing about this so I'm ending this Blog Entry.

Just Try not to Worry...

you know...today I've been thinking a lot about death. Not death on my end, but death in general. How we are all going to die someday and how no one truly knows what happens when our bodies stop working and decaying. what happens to our soul? Are we released into the world with no boundries and the possibility to start anew as a new person with no recollection of our past? Or maybe we ascend into heaven and live out our souls' content..? I just can't get over the thought of resting for the rest of our lives in eternal darkness, almost like sleeping. Time is so lost when we sleep. We could have no dream for what seems like 2 minutes and in fact it had been six or more hours...

It hurts us so bad to see our loved ones pass away...to see that tiny light flicker out in their eyes and to witness their last breath.

Why do we have to die...I don't want to miss anything...I dont' ever want to grow old and die....growing old scares me so much.

Time is our enemy, yet our alli...

Sunny Days

We all go through rough times and we all go through peaceful times. The past few days for me have been pretty peaceful, nice and welcoming. I've been in a good mood, seen my mom a couple of times and hung out with Tell for most of my free time. The radio stations' been great about playing all my favorite songs which makes me jam out or sing out happily.

Living with Roxi is alright, we hardly see each other but its okay. I guess the less you see of someone makes it harder to conflict with them. When she's at work i'm usually sleeping, and when she gets home I'm usually at work, then when I get home she's sleeping..haha. oh well. We're kosher and we're sharing things equally around the apartment. Its a little hard to let go of a possesive nature when I see her wearing some of my things or using some of my things but I just remember that I do the same with her stuff. What's hers is mine, and what's mine is hers. I wonder if this is a wise decision. Hmm. We all need boundries somewhere. But we both have to bend both ways.

I've been dating a young man named Tell and things are going great. I like that we're from two totally different worlds...and by that I mean we grew up with two separate life styles. And I'm intrigued by his as well as he by mine. We're cute together I've been told and I like it that way! I just hope that things go well with this relationship. I'll go more into detail in a different blog about this.

Make your Word your Life

These last few days have been rough, I abandoned my cat the other night because my parents suggested and made it clear to me that, that was what needed to be done. So I did...crushed and broken my roomate jumped my butt about it making it worse...then even better she trashed the apartment with her guests, (adopted sister, Maryann's Boyfriend, Roxie and her boyfriend). Then the next morning the weather instantly gets colder and rainier...and the lingering thoughts about your baby being left out in the field alone and abandoned...cold wet and scared.....just sticks to your mind like super glue.....you reach out to people for comfort and acceptance for your actions and no one....absolutely no one answers your call. Baffles you that these people have sworn to their word that they will be there when you need them, that they're only a phone call away....and once that day comes...the ignore option on their phone is used because they're busy with something else...Ouch. Isn't it ironic when people swear to their word....they hardly ever if at all....do as they swore? It hurts....why can't people just do as they say and not be such dishonest fools.........

(this only applies to those of you who know you're guilty of this)

Pull me Down hard

I've been having normal days this week. It's nice to have a change from roller coaster to normal. If there is such a thing...but that's besides the point. I've been playing on my piano lately, which is nice considering I had like a 2 year break from it. Art hasn't been a major priority to me either, or rather, it became only a thing I did every once in a blue moon. I'm focusing on that now too. Its almost like I'm falling back into comfort zones to fill the boredom spaces in my days.

I fear for my future because I do not know what it holds. Part of me believes something will happen, for good or not, I know something is to come.

I'm in a mood today and I'm not really sure how to take it. I'm pondering things and listening to wondering songs of mellow-ness. Wow I make up a lot of words...but you get the jist of it all.

There is no such thing as Normal...infact I believe one who thinks Normal is normal is only accustom to the things around them, thus, coming to the conclusion that it's "normal." That shouldn't of even of been invented as a word. If you think about it, the world relies on this word. People see something that's always there, say the Celebs and such, and see that they're skinny and sexy...so their conclusion is that its normal and people are more attracted to it. I don't know, i'm just thinking to much..rambling really.

Moving out troubles....

My good friend Kenzee Jo asked me to start a blog so she could keep up with whats going on in my life currently. Considering we used to talk all the time and now we're limited in our contact I decided it wasn't a bad idea. (I still Love you Kenzee!!)

Alright, so I'm going to treat this as a diary almost.

I've been kinda on this roller coaster, I believe we call it Life, and I just wanted to tell you some things going on. When I graduated this year things began to change. I was finding it hard to be the same ol 17 year old that I was due to some family matters and crappy friends. I kinda just woke up one morning with this whole new attitude to fend for myself and to forget those who've wronged me or who were currently not doing me any good. I even started fighting with my parents, my Mom mostly because she was being a little overly protective and I was just sick of it. But while all this was going on I was getting happier. I was being ME and I liked it. I started finding out some things about myself and the things I knew I truly believed in.

Its nice to finally figure out the type of person you are because then you can Rock people's socks off with YOU.

I got a Calico cat of whom I named Cookie because her colors remind me of cookie dough. She's a spaz and really reminds me of me. I'd say, if I was a cat I would be her incarnate. Cookie was most likely one of my highlights this year.

My best friend, Niki, and I had been planning for a few years for the two of us to find a place and move in together and live our lives as roommates side by side in a sisterly relationship. And for the past 9 months we actually got serious about it. We planned really well, and I did a lot of work in order to make it work. Pulled some strings and made a few compromises...but then FOUR times in a row Niki failed to commit to it.

Our first try was sometime in June where we found her dog a home for a while until we got a place of our own...her mom pulled the plug and said, "no." I guess at the time I forgot that Niki was infact older than I and she could very well tell her Mom "no." too because she wasn't a kid. She was 20.

But she let Blanca pull the shots and our plans were postponed. The next try came around just before June ended, like the first weekend of July. We were going to go to Colorado and pick her up when her Dad said their vehicles couldn't make it to the Colorado boarder...this I knew was a lie considering the summer before Niki and I had ridden with her parents all the way to Portland Oregon. But, with a build up of anger and confusion, I let her Dad tell us "no." again. I about gave up on the dream/idea when Niki and I had a talk. I told her that she was old enough to make her own decisions and if she really wanted this she needed to show me some how. Our friendship was being strained and I felt she hadn't done anything to make this happen. And for a long while I felt as though she didn't even want too.

The third try came around the middle of July where we decided it would be a good time considering she put in her two weeks at her job in Colorado and she had just finished her time. But then the Bank she was using got in the way and she had lost her wallet...that included all her ID's and social security card......ugh

By this time I'm extremely angry, and felt highly betrayed by my most trusted companion. I bit my tongue and kept my mouth shut and let my family belittle my feelings. My mom liked to tell me an aweful lot, "You know Niki's not coming, so why do you keep pushing this??" or "I don't think she's coming...find a place just for you." I wanted to hurt things...

Then..

Niki told me she would be down for my Birthday, as an ultimate birthday present. She said she'd be down the 3rd or 4th week of August and it would be final. I didn't really believe her but I presumed the hope and kept my head up high. The day before my birthday arrived and I call her...only to find the bank was garnishing her wages due to her lack of payments...(she lost her wallet which meant she couldn't cash her checks from work which meant she couldn't pay her bills...) I hung up. What a gift right?

But I was prepared for it. So needless to say Niki is not moving down here and I guess it just wasn't meant to be. If we...or rather, I tried so hard and got nothing in return I suppose it just wasn't my path.

Directly after that my friend, Roxanna Guith, (I call her Roxi) asked me to move in with her in her apartment. Hurt from my previous attempts to move out I said yes and jumped right on it. The last few days I've been grabbing my stuff and slowly making a place for myself at the Fox Hill apartments. And just today my first batch of drama occured. I roll my eyes at this because it's truly pathetic and it makes me think I am just going to be a source of income.

Roxi informed me her mother expects me to pay my half of the rent THIS month..(which ends in a few days) and I havn't even moved in.....why would I pay my half of the rent if I dont live there yet?? Hmmmm...my first suspicion that I'm only a source of money for Roxi. I spoke with my mom about this and she said to tell her "no." considering I don't live there yet.

Besides that, Fox Hills doesn't allow pets and I can't really move out without Cookie (my cat). So she has to be a secret and I'm a little nervous about that. We have seen a few people with pets around the place so we think if they can get away with it, then so can we....maybe.