Kill me now

I hate using this blog for venting out all my personal problems but it’s my only way to get it off my mind...or at least alleviate most of my anxiety. I'm torn up. Between fighting with my parents...my mom mostly and having the stress of quitting a job and starting a whole new one within the same few days.....and my car breaking down....and the fact I have no friends...none that I can lean on for anything anyway....plus the part where I fight with my boyfriend and have been just sooo stressed.....I don't know what to do. My dad looks down on me, because of my attitude with my mom, and they both are being extremely judgmental of Tell. I feel like screaming my lungs out every night and crying so hard that I wonder what the hell my problem is....but I keep holding both of those back because I just keep getting angrier and angrier....snapping at all the stupidest things and taking it all out on myself. My self-esteem has plummeted (wasn't that high anyways...) and my confidence level has evaporated into ignorant self-hate. The more I think about it the sadder I begin to feel because I don’t really know what’s wrong. I have a lot of theories, however.
I think I need more me and friend time instead of work and Tell time. I need to leave my parents because it seems to me that they just won’t let go of me…they still try and play the mommy and daddy card and quite honestly it is driving me insane. They try to tell me when I should be home…and get mad when I leave the house. I mean, before it was “you should go out more…don’t you have friends to hang out with??” and when I just worked all the time they’d go out and make plans without me in the agenda. I was never invited…all plans were made when they knew I had to work. That hurt me dearly, knowing my parents didn’t want much to do with me other than boss me around and send me to work. But then I moved out for a while. Things changed almost instantly, mom wanted to spend more time with me but I was too busy. Not to mention, I had thoroughly accepted that my parents didn’t want much to do with me…and the fact that they both don’t know anything about me. I’d been sheltered most of my life, and once I moved out I had room to breathe for once. I was discovering myself. Then I had to move back…a decision I sorely regret. I know I wouldn’t like moving back in, but I did anyway knowing that it was better than the hell my roommate was putting me through. Now they’re trying to control me again…trying to bottle me back up and while doing so also trying to attempt to understand my sudden itch to get out of the house.
They make me feel like a bad kid and then wonder why I get so angry at them…and wonder why I think so lowly of myself. Guilt racks my veins because anything I try to say to my parents that touches how I feel gets slapped in my face with a guilt trip. I hate it. I just want to disappear. I feel so misunderstood. I feel so angry.
My phone has been acting weird lately. That makes matters worse when you’re trying to find a ride home and your phone is acting wacky. I’m so stressed that when something happened to my car I started balling like a little baby. And I was actually having a good day that day too. Things were looking up and then BAM!! My car stops working.
All those bottled up emotions from everything else just poured out and got worse as the time progressed. I’m still so sad.
So let me sum it up for you;
My car doesn’t work…and I live out in nowhere-ville, have a new job that I need transportation too…considering its all the way across town and beyond. My phone’s acting weird. I’m fighting with my parents on a constant basis. My dad looks down on me. I have no one to call and cry too without being judged or shunned. My boyfriend and I are fighting most days. My old job is spreading rumors about me (I know this because I’ve been told by some work friends). I’m just flat out unhappy…I have no money, my bank account is dry, I have to pay my parents back so much money for fixing my car…and now even more cuz it broke down again. (money I don’t have) I need to save for my insurance coming in February…and I don’t have enough money to even consider trying to save since I have to buy all this other stuff. PLUS not to mention, Christmas is three weeks away and I have nothing to buy anybody any thing….and my parents are probably using all their money to get my car up and working….gawd….there isn’t enough words I could type to express how effin shitty I feel.