Drinking bottles and silenced dreams

When insomnia robs you of your rest
Or nightmares fill your dreams
If the past comes back to haunt you
And you can't drown out the screams

There is always a bottle nearby
That is screaming to be drained
Promising to help you through the day
And make everything fade away

The Vodka, Tequilla, and Rum are near
To take away all your fears
And when you are in need of help
You turn your attention towards that shelf

These bottles never judge you
Or tell you, you need to stop
They are always so accepting
And sometimes all you've got

So Drink away the sadness
Empty bottles numb the pain
Each shot takes away the memories
As the liquid burns throuh your veins

I sit by and beg you to stop
My heart races, anxious, ready to pop
And no matter what I try to do
You always believe its best for you

I die slowly inside watching you drown
Someone I fell in love with, bringing me down
Becoming someone new
Flying higher than a kite, you flew

Why can't you see I am the cure to your nightmares
The one who can soothe
I am the vodka, tequilla, and rum
Just say yes, and choose....

my new balance

So i'm sittin here watching my favorite anime music video (amv) about Sailor Moon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAcRGqMqkgY&feature=related
I can't help but feel a more connected feeling to my happiness as I watch it. And while my best friend was visiting, I realized that the more we sat and wrote on stories and drew that I was happy again. I think for the longest time I got busy and gave up on all the things that made me happy. I know that for sometime I thought all the things I loved so much made me immature so I literally ggave up on them. All my focus was for work and my bf. It hit me that, no matter what people think of me, whether i'm immature to them or whatever else, that nothing they say can make me stop loving what I do best!!
So I've made a promise to myself, I will make a happy balance of all the materialistic things that make me happy and all the people who do also. So writing is back on my table, some (very few) anime is back in my life, and most of all i will continue to work on my art, especially anime kind because all i've done lately are two real life portraits of some good people.
I can't believe i even doubted myself on these things!! I love art!! I love the way Sailor moon makes me feel!! WHO CARES IF ITS AN ANIME!! It has a lot of things that made me so creative!! I started creativity from that anime! just watch the video and you understand! ....maybe. lol.
Alright well I best get off this thing before I start rambling on......^_^ woot!

Pisses me off

So I decided to go get this anxiety thing that is going to help me deal with it and eventually get over it. Today is the first day I've took the first session. And I felt better already. Then I call my bf to let him know I was coming over and he said he was gonna drink and stuff. So I handled the situation to the best of my controlled ability, and felt fine. Then I get over to him and he's all about just being a royal asshole. I am not going to put up with this behavior. And he says I'm the one having an attitude, my attitude is a result of the way he's treating me. I'm am so pissed off.

Kill me now

I hate using this blog for venting out all my personal problems but it’s my only way to get it off my mind...or at least alleviate most of my anxiety. I'm torn up. Between fighting with my parents...my mom mostly and having the stress of quitting a job and starting a whole new one within the same few days.....and my car breaking down....and the fact I have no friends...none that I can lean on for anything anyway....plus the part where I fight with my boyfriend and have been just sooo stressed.....I don't know what to do. My dad looks down on me, because of my attitude with my mom, and they both are being extremely judgmental of Tell. I feel like screaming my lungs out every night and crying so hard that I wonder what the hell my problem is....but I keep holding both of those back because I just keep getting angrier and angrier....snapping at all the stupidest things and taking it all out on myself. My self-esteem has plummeted (wasn't that high anyways...) and my confidence level has evaporated into ignorant self-hate. The more I think about it the sadder I begin to feel because I don’t really know what’s wrong. I have a lot of theories, however.
I think I need more me and friend time instead of work and Tell time. I need to leave my parents because it seems to me that they just won’t let go of me…they still try and play the mommy and daddy card and quite honestly it is driving me insane. They try to tell me when I should be home…and get mad when I leave the house. I mean, before it was “you should go out more…don’t you have friends to hang out with??” and when I just worked all the time they’d go out and make plans without me in the agenda. I was never invited…all plans were made when they knew I had to work. That hurt me dearly, knowing my parents didn’t want much to do with me other than boss me around and send me to work. But then I moved out for a while. Things changed almost instantly, mom wanted to spend more time with me but I was too busy. Not to mention, I had thoroughly accepted that my parents didn’t want much to do with me…and the fact that they both don’t know anything about me. I’d been sheltered most of my life, and once I moved out I had room to breathe for once. I was discovering myself. Then I had to move back…a decision I sorely regret. I know I wouldn’t like moving back in, but I did anyway knowing that it was better than the hell my roommate was putting me through. Now they’re trying to control me again…trying to bottle me back up and while doing so also trying to attempt to understand my sudden itch to get out of the house.
They make me feel like a bad kid and then wonder why I get so angry at them…and wonder why I think so lowly of myself. Guilt racks my veins because anything I try to say to my parents that touches how I feel gets slapped in my face with a guilt trip. I hate it. I just want to disappear. I feel so misunderstood. I feel so angry.
My phone has been acting weird lately. That makes matters worse when you’re trying to find a ride home and your phone is acting wacky. I’m so stressed that when something happened to my car I started balling like a little baby. And I was actually having a good day that day too. Things were looking up and then BAM!! My car stops working.
All those bottled up emotions from everything else just poured out and got worse as the time progressed. I’m still so sad.
So let me sum it up for you;
My car doesn’t work…and I live out in nowhere-ville, have a new job that I need transportation too…considering its all the way across town and beyond. My phone’s acting weird. I’m fighting with my parents on a constant basis. My dad looks down on me. I have no one to call and cry too without being judged or shunned. My boyfriend and I are fighting most days. My old job is spreading rumors about me (I know this because I’ve been told by some work friends). I’m just flat out unhappy…I have no money, my bank account is dry, I have to pay my parents back so much money for fixing my car…and now even more cuz it broke down again. (money I don’t have) I need to save for my insurance coming in February…and I don’t have enough money to even consider trying to save since I have to buy all this other stuff. PLUS not to mention, Christmas is three weeks away and I have nothing to buy anybody any thing….and my parents are probably using all their money to get my car up and working….gawd….there isn’t enough words I could type to express how effin shitty I feel.

Roommates are a handful....

I'm not sure what to do really, other than give up the fight and run home to mommy and daddy. My roommates stepped up the fight and decided to out my boyfriend, Tell, and leave a stupidly written note about how he needs to pay rent. The thing is, he doesn't live with us at the apartment. He's just here when I'm here, which is nothing of which I'm complaining about. I like having him around. So he left her a note with equal the volume but zero the stupidity. I just think Roxi is really really immature...dense...and stupid. I mean, ouch, I know....I'm being kinda rude and calling her these things but trust me, if you ever met her in person, you'd see how easily she'd lie to you and 'pretend' to be something she's not.
I mean seriously, she runs around in her bra at the apartment, and half the time I'm lucky if she's wearing one!!! She pretty much forced her boyfriend to move in (WITHOUT MY PERMISSION) and was going to let him stay Rent free for a while. But I threw a fit and told them 'no'. he has to pay his part of rent. We each pay 1/3 rent since there is three of us. but in all honesty I shouldn't even be paying as much as I do, BECAUSE they have the privacy of their own bedroom, I have about the privacy of NOTHING, I sleep inthe living room.
I know, a lot of people keep telling me to move out, find another place, yada yada yada, but its WAY harder than that. My parents are like, "You can move back in, rent free and have a place to eat and stuff...why not? Its better than spending all that money."
Speaking of money
Now that rent is due, her boyfriend is saying he won't make the deadline and so they're using their five day grace period. BUT the thing is, he would have his money ready if those two weren't spending money off the wall on the stupidest things. Like lots of movies, not just 3 or 4 but 7 or 8. Candy, junk food, CLOTHES, expensive Cologne, and jewelry. Its irritation.
I just want to leave, but I don't want to go back home.

Well I'm getting pissed off even writing about this so I'm ending this Blog Entry.

Just Try not to Worry...

you know...today I've been thinking a lot about death. Not death on my end, but death in general. How we are all going to die someday and how no one truly knows what happens when our bodies stop working and decaying. what happens to our soul? Are we released into the world with no boundries and the possibility to start anew as a new person with no recollection of our past? Or maybe we ascend into heaven and live out our souls' content..? I just can't get over the thought of resting for the rest of our lives in eternal darkness, almost like sleeping. Time is so lost when we sleep. We could have no dream for what seems like 2 minutes and in fact it had been six or more hours...

It hurts us so bad to see our loved ones pass away...to see that tiny light flicker out in their eyes and to witness their last breath.

Why do we have to die...I don't want to miss anything...I dont' ever want to grow old and die....growing old scares me so much.

Time is our enemy, yet our alli...

Sunny Days

We all go through rough times and we all go through peaceful times. The past few days for me have been pretty peaceful, nice and welcoming. I've been in a good mood, seen my mom a couple of times and hung out with Tell for most of my free time. The radio stations' been great about playing all my favorite songs which makes me jam out or sing out happily.

Living with Roxi is alright, we hardly see each other but its okay. I guess the less you see of someone makes it harder to conflict with them. When she's at work i'm usually sleeping, and when she gets home I'm usually at work, then when I get home she's sleeping..haha. oh well. We're kosher and we're sharing things equally around the apartment. Its a little hard to let go of a possesive nature when I see her wearing some of my things or using some of my things but I just remember that I do the same with her stuff. What's hers is mine, and what's mine is hers. I wonder if this is a wise decision. Hmm. We all need boundries somewhere. But we both have to bend both ways.

I've been dating a young man named Tell and things are going great. I like that we're from two totally different worlds...and by that I mean we grew up with two separate life styles. And I'm intrigued by his as well as he by mine. We're cute together I've been told and I like it that way! I just hope that things go well with this relationship. I'll go more into detail in a different blog about this.